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every time

Hidden keys to a truth bop up into my oceanic consciousness/gilded messengers light as air;

offering up clarity and honest appraisal/as monkey mind teases through a problem in order to be quieted.

Golden Keys! New layers of meaning. Deeper understanding. In seeing what is – one makes room for that most graceful of components – Acceptance. Maybe even, blessed Forgiveness…:)

Doors of perception open wordlessly….my consciousness is awed by what lies

just beyond…..

My spirit rejoices to feel it’s divine connection to all!

Nothing ever looks the same again.


We cannot always control our thoughts, but we can control our words, and repetition impresses the subconscious, and we are then master of the situation… – Florence Scovel Shinn

I cannot always control my thoughts. But I can decide to stop moving.

I cannot always control my thoughts. But I can decide to sit down.

I cannot always control my thoughts. But I can close my eyes, and begin to breathe.

This, is the repetition of a meditation practice.

Air air air….breath in, breath out….air…..molecules dancing…breath….sigh……ahhhhh~~~

I cannot control my thoughts but i decide to smile. Another breath….

In and out…


Already lighter. Already freer. Resting. Feeling the edges of gratitude….

There are a thousand distractions but no excuses.

Our new baby parakeets are chirping wildly. Ruby is on the couch on headphones, listening to music – laughing out loud to songs I cannot hear. The washer is going (a load of darks). Our housemate Gabby moves in and out, she’s watching Rome in the front room and I can hear Roman soldiers shouting faintly. There are lots of other things to do besides sit down and meditate for 30 minutes. (It’s usually 10, 15, 20 at the most.)

There are a million reasons but no excuses.

I can either choose to make the time to meditate or not. Today I choose to make the time. And it is hard, but it feels good…..

Why is it hard? I’m smiling again. Why IS IT HARD??

I really want to know.

My friend Kathe says “whatever gets in the way of the work is the work”.  Whatever it is about meditation that’s hard is the work and it is my job and my job alone to find out what that work is…

Wait a minute…maybe I’m hitting upon it now…meditation is hard, (and I mean hard) for most of us because it allows for the surfacing of the deep soul work we often have left to do in order to feel joy. If we felt joyful or peaceful all the time, there wouldn’t be much ‘spiritual’ work to do…we would already BE there, and perhaps meditation’s sweet, steady polishing of the soul would not really be necessary. I don’t know. But for most of us…there is still quite a bit…to …um…er…”work through” daily.

No, *sigh*, we don’t always feel joyous, or peaceful or accepting of ‘”what is”; how can we of course, with all we have going on, with all that the world has going on, and yet…and yet, in spite of everything, or maybe because of everything…shouldn’t we try to get there?

Don’t we owe it to ourselves?

Time passes. Ruby asks me how to spell something. Breathing.

In my quiet inner mind’s eye something shifts and in the ‘sinking into being” I begin to feel carried…supported by the Breath, the Life force, the Universe, Breath – the only God i really know of for certain…

Meditation creates an inner confidence that allows us to relax into the embrace of the Universe.

Meditation creates an inner confidence and peace that is then in turn, supported by the Universe, because in the quiet of beingness we AUTOMATICALLY join the great flow, the river that runs through us, every single one of us, every moment, for all eternity. In this river there is no Time. There is no Loss. There is only Everything that ever was, Everything that is, and Everything that ever will be. And for all of this, there is only Love.

In meditation I realize that there is NO NEED to be covetous of time, or love. Of attention or recognition. I have everything I need to be able to love the world with my whole heart.

Everything I need to love everything.

That’s all.

And it is




“What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.” – Plutarch

With reflection I see that without reflection I would not understand, I would not fully grasp, the work I have yet to do…

Without reflection and quiet I would not see the ‘gems’ that lie within, (the creative potentials within every single one of us) to be brought forth and worked and developed and loved and polished until they shine…

When I am quiet, and still….

When I am quiet. and. still –

All that needs mending comes rushing to the surface.

When I am quiet and still                                                                                                            all that needs tending comes rushing                                                                                    to the surface…

In the stillness I am forced to recalibrate time, the time I will need, to do the mending……………click click

ahhhh. That’s right…I have all the time in the world……I have all the energy I will ever need, to live, and to be useful and to love….

The Blue Pearl, the Diamond, the core gem of the meditation process is the recalibration of time straight into the center of beingness. Right Now. For real.

This peace IS what Love is. When we feel loved and are loving, we are generally kind. Kindness =Love. Right there that changes the world. 🙂

All the time in the world…..all the time in the world, stress ain;t sexy…..stress ain’t cool ……..ahooooooooooobreathingyeah…….RELAXING>>>>>>>>>>>>

Breath:……. air, delicious, light, fluffy AIR dancing in between the molecules of the thoughts in my mind…coming home to rest from thought is the only thought…home….

Polishing the gems from the mine                                                                                           of my mind.

From my hands

pearls fall

to the Earth.

My first thought as I finally settle quietly and begin to breathe is that I am too big to be comfortable. I feel heavy boned and bound by my physicality. I feel like I take up too much space, that I am too wide, too heavy on the ground to ever “lift off” and I want to feel light enough to sit comfortably long enough to soar. The feelings of heaviness cause me to criticize myself and I do for a bit…

But it passes. There are glimpses of peace. I move through some self loathing. Unpleasant memories bob up. I remember to be kind to myself as I would to all creatures. It passes.

Only breathing keeps me calm…in and out… letting the binding thoughts go…

(Blind criticism is so deeply constricting…it’s a way of being tied down. If it comes, you must use it, work with it, tease it out, ignore it, or follow it into its labyrinth until it disappears and is no longer relevant…..)

All of these things are going on at the same time; holding on, letting go, refusing to care, caring too much….

But it all moves as I stay still. I see that I need to be still in order for everything to move.

This thought makes me happy.

I believe we can fly.  And that we do. Meditation is a direct flight.

We fly in our minds when we feel free.

I am thinking that not only bodies are heavy but thoughts and feelings are also. They can weigh us down, and so can unmindful words. I feel heavy with my negative thoughts, heavy with my negative words. I begin to feel heavy having any thoughts at all. They keep coming…I keep breathing and smiling. At some indecipherable point I power lift through a heavy bale of thoughts, push my arms up and out, and the thoughts are cast off, my mind is quiet, my head is tilted back in an imaginary wind, and I am free-floating, free-falling, buoyant and light as the air inside feathers.

“I believe I can fly”.

At the other end of the winding road of my thoughts there really is a pot of gold shining under a rainbow.


Gorgeous Full Moon last night.

The Full Sturgeon Moon – risen up over the land, full of the powerful energy of promise…bringing a current of electricity that is palpable and divine surging through my veins.

Sitting in the dark, meditating in front of my glowing owl lamp, I am flooded with a profound awareness manifested in one phrase that repeats, slowly, purposefully, soberly, over and over again:

I am….so….fortunate. I am….so….fortunate…..I AM


To be alive. To be whole. To have eyes that see. To have healthy cells. Blood & bone, for now…for now…to have feet and hands….a beating heart. To have given birth to a healthy child. To taste, to swallow. To feel. To be aware. None of this is taken for granted. None of this is permanent. Everything can and will change. But for this moment, for this moment, every part of my being is experiencing

well being.  And that is a gift. A gift not to be taken lightly.


My brain begins to list the blessings of the known world, it is endless, it is infinite….the things I am grateful for…

earth air water fire

stars and shell and bone and grass and sun and light moon and night skin and touch lips and kisses words music wind and sand animals humans poems beauty ugliness children love pain sorrow- that which is broken that which is whole that which is new that which is old, what has come and gone, what will never come again and what will come that is known and unknown. The mystery. Every detail as sweet as plums and astonishing.

In the face of such blessings other thoughts come that cause my face to flood with humility and bend down.  An awareness of the responsibility that comes with health, on every level; an awareness that those who are able to do the work that must be done to ‘repair the world’ (as they say in the Kabbalah) must do that work. MUST be of service. Must.

The super heroes are not the naturally strong, not the uber fit and beautiful, not the cocky and confident and brilliant ones, the burning man beauties…no…though we worship them as gods…

The heroes are every single creature and human who face the day without this or that faculty, without wellness, without wellbeing, with handicaps, with illness, the sick and the lost and the heartbroken and dying. That includes us, when we are challenged with such hardships, that includes us, when we get up and face what is, when we commit to life over and over again each day, not knowing if or when we will ever feel or be, whole again.

Responsible. Listening the hearbeat of the world. Paying attention. Loving what is, and doing everything in our power to make it better. Wearing our gratitude on the outside.  Sharing who we are, hoping that it helps.

Blessed be.  Blessed, blessed


Whatever will be will be.

The truth will set you free.

There is no other thing to do knowing this                                                                       than to set the heart ablaze with love 

for every known and unknown thing in this Universe.

Go down in steadfastness. Cultivate the steady fire.

Ask yourself if you have been brave enough to be happy.

I am the rain.

I am the grass.

The rain and I are one.

A man and a woman are one.

A woman and a woman are one.

A man and a woman and the rain are one.

A man and a man and the grass are one.

I fly as the bird flies, soaring lightly over all….

I am the bird.

Wistful no more.
Want for nothing.
It is all right here.

I am all of it.
All of it
is me.
How could i possibly need

anything else?

Take the ego out of things and there is so much more to enjoy.

Just take it out of the equation:  wants, unrequited desires, dissatisfactions, petty grievances, (or large ones) etc. Just take them out when you’re living.

While you’re being.

Unless you are in physical pain or danger…(deeper challenges FOR CERTAIN), cast away any thoughts of displeasure.

Breathe in enjoyment…..

Breathe out enjoyment…..

Breathe in enjoyment….

Breathe our enjoyment….

Nothing to be mad about.

Nothing to be stressed about (unless it’s REAL, and you all know what I’m talking about…), nothing to be disgruntled about, nothing to be afraid of.

Only the drive to live, to live, to LIVE!!!!!!!!!

Or not.

Whatever the case may be.

It certainly will be the case, eventually……that our form will change….

But while we’re here…(it’s so hard to get to but once you do it seems so obvious)…while we’re here in this stunning world…. Goddess KNOWS I AM NOT THE FIRST ONE TO SAY THIS BUT let’s really

Be Here Now. (Thank you, Ram Dass). 🙂


Sea Spray, Tulum, Mexico 2009

Sea Spray, Tulum, Mexico 2009

Gratitude is the gift that keeps on giving.

I’m sitting in the warm sun on my living room rug. The house is quiet, after a mad Easter Egg Hunt/ Breakfast this morning. Ruby and her friends are up the street with Jason playing basketball. I was going to keep cleaning..but that sunny spot on the rug was calling to me…

I savor the day. Feeling the love that went back and forth all morning, and how its sweet exchange lingers on…I picture faces of friends, remembering loving gazes, exclamations of appreciation, funny stories, laughing hugging eating laughing talking sitting quietly. Old friends and new friends, little ones and big ones, all kinds, all different beings, but together effortlessly weaving the bright cloth of delight.

My  impulse, now that I am quiet and still – is towards a kind of melancholy, or let down. My ego wants to feel sad that everyone is gone now. My ego struggles with the ending of things, especially pleasurable ones. I cannot believe it, but my insatiable ego wants more my ego is mad that I am to face the rest of the day without that glimmering shimmering thing which bounces off the mirror that is held up when we are

loved.  Grrrrrrr………

I am fighting with my ego because the conscious part of me wants to remain happy and not be sad. I turn my mouth up into a smile, lifting my face to the sun, in a “smiling meditation” I learned from the wonderful book “Eat Pray Love”. I consciously practice feeling grateful for the beauty of the morning instead of grudging the passage of time, the “loss” of the moments.  My fake smile forces me to re-examine what I’m feeling and demands that my “smile” become emotionally authentic. As I embrace feeling thankful, my bitter ego slinks away. “…Yeah, well go on! Buzz off buddy! There’s some people around heah that wanna feel good, ya heah me, good! Not bad, not lousy, not miserable, bloody GOOD!!”

And I fall over laughing. Feelings of euphoria flood through me. Gratitude for what happened, gratitude for what is. A feeling floods though me like melting butter on hot buttermilk pancakes….

Gratitude for the profound solace of family and friendship…                                                                                     Gratitude for the generosity of people                                                                                                               Gratitude for loyalty, gratitude for love …..

Gratitude for hugs gratitude for chicks gratitude for eggs gratitude for children gratitude for ovens gratitude for cheesecake..gratitude for asparagus…gratitude for lilies….gratitude for sexy, fabulous exe’s…….           

The list is long…know what i’m sayin?      🙂

Feeling grateful is soooooooooooooooooooooo much more satisfying than that bitter old grump “disatisfaction” or “regret”.                 

Gratitude…..stretches everything…makes it bigger………….makes it last ….and tastes soooooooooooooooooooooooo




I am running towards the sunset on a frosty early spring evening.

Running, looking at the setting sun, I can see my breath.

I am thinking about the past 2 weeks, reviewing, mulling, in a silent conversation/a moving meditation with myself. Trouble. Misunderstandings. Hurt. Confusion. Forgiveness. Desperation. These words have been an integral part of these recent times.

I am thinking…what is this friction of relationships?  This is what it feels like to rub up against each other emotionally: it stings, it soothes, it burns, it cools. It changes over and over again. But as it changes, goes through its paces, we are changing…the ‘friction’ is a smoother, the discomfort is a teacher…

How does a piece of marble turn into a Rodin?

Applied energy, applied friction. Sculpted.

Aren’t we sculpting with spiritual energy then, shaping our emotional reality with our minds as our hands would shape wood? As much as we can, as much as we set our awareness to?

Smooth baby, smooth.

The wearing away of resistance (if you’re lucky), the polishing of core.

My problems are necessary.

My problems teach me patience. My problems show me what to let go of, what to release, and what to hold onto. My problems reveal to me where I still have work to do. My problems show me how far I’ve come and how far I have to go. It’s so hard for us to acknowledge that we help to create the tension that brings about movement and change. I don’t understand why this is so….yet.

But of course, there are problems and then there are PROBLEMS.

How responsible are we exactly? How accountable for what happens? I don’t know. But I can feel….how gratitude begets gratitude kindness begets kindness hate begets hate drama begets drama disrespect begets disrespect blame begets blame neglect begets neglect negativity begets negativity and on and on……

And understanding begets understanding. And acceptance begets acceptance. And forgiveness begets forgiveness.

And Love begets Love. 


Wood Stone Iron Bone Heart Mind Soul Smooth.

    Flowing like Water,                                                                                                                                                               Breathing like Air,                                                                                                                                                                 Strong like Earth,                                                                                                                                                                   Bright like Fire.